Turns Out The Coronavirus Isn't All Fun And Games As The Yakuza Is Having A Tough Time Selling Drugs And Prostitutes

(Skynet) - Yakuza gangs are carrying out coronavirus-related fraud and have increased the price of street drugs as they struggle to make money during the pandemic, experts on Japanese organised crime have told Sky News. 

He said: "The public has been following the call for people to stay at home. The price of marijuana and stimulants have risen to nearly double in some areas since then. Drugs are ordered over the phone and delivered by car. Illegal brothels have always been illegal brothels. The gangs are still running those but no customers are coming."

The yakuza expert said many of the syndicate's senior members are elderly and have been "staying home and cowering" due to fears of catching the virus, which is more likely to be fatal in older patients or those with underlying health problems.

He added that some have been contacting each other using fax machines because the yakuza are "actually very behind with technology. While they'll hire people to do corporate fraud and can work with virtual currency, the people at the top are very old school."

He added that many of the members are scared of getting the disease because being "felled by a tiny virus" would be seen as a sign of weakness in the "macho world of the yakuza".

In a shocking turn of events, it would appear that the coronavirus (aka COVID-19) is not just bad for you local Mom & Pop store in your podunk town. Turns out it's hitting the pockets of the yakuza, hard, and with no remorse. Might I be so bold as to ask: have you no shame, novel coronavirus??? Oh big fucking tough guy moving invisibly through the air from person to person the world over, shutting down brothels and limiting the trafficking of street drugs with no regard for the proprietors of said establishments. You make me sick. 

In all seriousness I had been wondering how the drug dealing industry was doing during these uncertain times. Like a lot of people are sitting home with all the time in the world wanting any semblance of a temporary escape but it's not like one of the hundred delivery services is going to swing by your plug's house for an 8 ball. I imagine it's a lot of suppliers sitting on a lot of unsold goods looking for a way to make a play. Maybe if we all adapted the yakuza way of doing business and went backwards to fax machine technology we could get these messages to our local small business men and women safely and without fear of wiretap, help stimulate those in need of reconnecting with their customers.